Answers · Everyday nervous system resets

Self-Love Languages: How to Speak the 5 Love Languages to Yourself

Most of us learned the five love languages as a way to understand a partner, and they're just as powerful when you turn them toward yourself. When life runs on fast forward, a little self-love each day is like pressing pause, and research on kind words and gentle touch shows these small gestures can change how your mind and body handle stress.

Words of affirmation

Psychologist James Pennebaker's research on expressive writing found that writing about your emotional experiences is followed by improvements in mental and physical health. Try writing yourself a love letter that names your strengths, what you've come through and what makes you who you are. Self-compassion researcher Kristin Neff and psychologist Christopher Germer found that people who took an eight-week self-compassion program grew more self-compassionate, more mindful and happier with their lives, and the gains lasted a year.

Physical touch

A 2005 University of North Carolina study found that women who hugged their partners more often had higher levels of oxytocin, the bonding hormone, and lower blood pressure. You can offer yourself some of that comfort too. A 2021 study found that twenty seconds of self-soothing touch, such as placing a hand over your heart, was followed by lower cortisol after a stressful task, much like a hug from someone else. Self-massage of your shoulders, neck and temples is another lovely way to speak this language.

There's a line often attributed to family therapist Virginia Satir, that we need four hugs a day for survival, eight for maintenance and twelve for growth; I like to count the ones I give myself.

Quality time

Give yourself time that belongs to no one else: a walk without your phone, a bath, a morning journal or a few minutes of meditation. When you protect that time like you would an important appointment, you teach yourself that you matter.

Acts of service

Do the thing future you will thank you for: prep a nourishing meal, make your bed, clear one corner of clutter, or put yourself to bed on time. Caring for yourself through action is one of the most practical forms of self-love.

Receiving gifts

A gift to yourself doesn't have to cost much. Fresh flowers, a book you've wanted, a candle that smells like calm or a class you've been curious about all say "I'm worth this," and receiving well is a skill many of us need to practice.

Keep exploring

• Why should I celebrate my small wins?
• How can morning journaling change my day?
• Where do my patterns come from?

Common questions

Sources

1. Pennebaker, J. W. (1997). Writing about emotional experiences as a therapeutic process. Psychological Science.
2. Neff, K. D., & Germer, C. K. (2013). A pilot study and randomized controlled trial of the mindful self-compassion program. Journal of Clinical Psychology.
3. Light, K. C., Grewen, K. M., & Amico, J. A., University of North Carolina (2005). More frequent partner hugs and higher oxytocin levels are linked to lower blood pressure and heart rate in premenopausal women. Biological Psychology.
4. Dreisoerner, A., et al. (2021). Self-soothing touch and being hugged reduce cortisol responses to stress. Comprehensive Psychoneuroendocrinology.

This article is for education and everyday wellbeing; it isn't medical advice. If you're struggling with your sleep, mood or health, please talk with a licensed professional. Keep reading: all answers · the free community · about Tamara Rose