Answers · Creating change

How to Create Change in Your Life, and Sustain It

Most people who come to work with me want change. They want more for themselves and their business, and they're tired of feeling stuck, so when I ask whether they want to change, the answer is always yes. If you want it that much, why is it so hard to put it into practice?

Why change is so hard

Change is scary, and our comfort zones are exactly what they sound like: comfortable. In my work I see people choose the devil they know over a possibility they can't yet see again and again, because real change asks you to face a few truths about yourself:

• You may be more attached to what's familiar than you want to admit.
• There's a point of view you've been seeing life through that you might have to give up.
• You may need to think differently and take different actions.
• You may need to admit you were wrong.

When you see it that way, it makes perfect sense that you'd resist. How often, on any given day, do you go looking for the places you've been wrong? Most of us would much rather be right, and that need to be right keeps us choosing the same things every day without realizing it.

It starts with willingness

After more than 15 years of guiding people through change, I've noticed that it always begins with willingness. When you're stuck, the experience feels so real that it seems like there's no other way life could be, so my first question with every client is whether they're willing to see something different:

• A willingness to see something new
• A willingness to be wrong
• A willingness to explore a new perspective
• A willingness to do something different
• A willingness to do what it takes to have everything you say you want

Take a minute with that list and ask yourself honestly how willing you are. Without willingness we go nowhere, and with it, almost anything becomes possible.

The gap between where you are and where you want to be

The next hurdle is how you relate to the gap. Maybe you're making $75,000 and you want to make $100,000, or you want a partner and a family and you're single, or you want to feel at home in your body again. The gap is simply the distance between where you are and where you want to be.

Once you see the gap, you'll notice the changes it would take to close it, and that's usually when the inner commentary starts: "change is hard," "I should already be there," "I should have known better." To avoid feeling like a failure, we settle for where we are, which is why New Year's resolutions so often fade within a few weeks.

Three things that make change easier

1. Create a routine that calms your nervous system. Modern life keeps many of us in fight or flight, reacting to everything, and change is nearly impossible from that state. New routines that regulate your nervous system let you respond instead of react.
2. Remember your why. Connect with your vision every morning and hold it as a real possibility, then take new, uncomfortable actions each day that are consistent with it.
3. Be accountable. Share your vision with a partner, friend or coach who can see it for you, and let them point out when you slip back into your old patterns and comfort zone.

You can choose your comfort zone and let your goals go, or you can commit fully to your goals and surrender to the process without making yourself wrong along the way. What you're committed to, and what you prioritize, decides which one happens.

Keep exploring

• Why do I keep repeating the same pattern?
• I know what I need to do, so why can't I do it?
• Feeling stuck in life? Listen to the episode

Common questions

This article is for education and everyday wellbeing; it isn't medical advice. If you're struggling with your sleep, mood or health, please talk with a licensed professional. Keep reading: all answers · the free community · about Tamara Rose